sheridan | [Closed] Alone, awake and thinking of...the weekend we were in love.

[ Richard doesn't question further. He looks veritably concerned, but he can press later, should Asbel want to open up to him about this. That doesn't stop him from wondering just what the issue might be. Cheria herself may be at times... overbearing, but Richard found her to be a wonderful friend and woman. So was it the fact that the marriage was too soon, or maybe was it that Asbel was unsure of himself, or...

The Mask of Barona would be able to cut to the chase much faster, but this was an intimate issue between friends. That, and Richard knew when to be delicate, and matters directly related to the heart like this...

He was infinitely careful, stepping lightly on his toes between flowers, his gaze downward. Finally they made it across, following Asbel and catching up to his side. ] That sounds like a good idea. He seems like he could use some company. [ A lighter, joking tone. ]

[Asbel offers Richard a small smile when he joins him, keeping the pace easy so that Richard won't fall behind and using the long shadows of the gated hillside cemetery to partially obscure their path.]

He could use some repairs, too. And a better name. They say he's been around since my great-grandfather's time, but since he's not one of the mills currently in use, we've had to give the others priority. Still, he's kind of like a member of the town.

[Talking about the windmill proves far easier than collecting his thoughts about the wedding. It's been a long time since he's had this many doubts about anything. Or worries. Maybe he's just overreacting and nervous as the others have said, but, there's probably more to it than that. And even though he has no desire to drag Richard down with his own problems, he gets the feeling that Richard at least would hear him out about them. Richard's always been clever and insightful. Maybe he'd be able to help him figure out this mess.]

[Reaching the base of the tower, Asbel lightly grips one of the lower rungs, peering at the platform far above them, and then glancing back at his friend.]

I used to climb up here all the time.

[ They're taking the 'back alley' route so to speak, Richard peering about at their surroundings discreetly before his gaze returned to Asbel. He doubts that they'd get caught at such a place, but if Asbel came here often, there was always some chance. ]

Indeed, he is. Changing his name now, however, would most likely confuse everyone more than anything. It's a pity that he has to wait for maintenance... [ Hmm. Maybe he can find a way to help Asbel on that front. Especially given that it seems to be one of his best friend's places to simply hang out and think for himself. When had the last time been, Richard wonders? Between a fiancé and a child and a town to run, it had to be difficult to find.

Richard wants to help, although he also will not prod too hard if Asbel doesn't want to talk about it. After all, it's his night. And as some would say, the night was still young. There were many hours to simply chat and unwind if it turned out to that. ]

I can only envision it. A younger Asbel scrambling up these rungs. [ A light hum ] Did Hubert climb with you as well?

[ He'd wait for Asbel to climb up first, fully intending to follow. ]

Edited 2015-04-10 05:50 (UTC)

[Well, even for a small town, there's always someone around.]

You're probably right about that. I did try it once, but no one liked my suggestion any better. Honestly, it was just as bad - worse, even. [He makes a face, already anticipating Richard's reaction. He's willing to put up with it, though; he really was terrible at names.] "The Wind Master".

It shouldn't be too long, though... If we budget carefully. [If he can conserve funds without upsetting anyone. It's a tough balancing act. The shops, the army, taxes, maintaining the roads, the walls, the cryas mines. And then if there's any more monster attacks, or some other problem that comes up unexpectedly.]

[Asbel shakes his head, casting a teasing look behind him as he starts up the side.] Uh-huh. I'll have you know I could climb this ladder with my eyes closed back then and still turn a somersault at the top.

[He doesn't try one tonight. He's gotten taller, the distance between the top rung and the platform too short to pull such a thing off without a very real risk of losing his balance and cracking his head. But he manages to push himself up with swift, practiced ease, letting out a light breath before he kneels down to lend Richard an extra hand.]

Mmn. Sometimes he did. After he gave up telling me how dangerous and scary it was, anyway. What about you, Richard? I know you have your hill. Was there anywhere else you liked to go?

[He's not really trying to change the subject. He's not. But now that he thinks about it, he doesn't really know too much about what it was like for Richard growing up.]

[ Hearing about Asbel's childhood exploits never fails to put a smile on his face. And, even then, some things never change- like his "interesting" affinity for names. Still, it's another charming thing about him all the same.

Asbel might find his anticipated response in an answering chuckle. ] That's not as bad as you make it sound. Although, that could just be because I have experience with your naming conventions. [ Between "The Wind Master" and "Tiger Festival", well... one was certainly much more ludicrous.

Once there's more than enough room, Richard begins his own ascent- gloved fingers grasping at the rungs. In comparison, he moves carefully- not quite needing the hand Asbel reaches out, but grateful for it nonetheless, taking it and allowing himself to be helped up. ]

Me? Well... [ Whether it's an attempt at changing the subject or not, the king doesn't point it out. Richard straightens up, looking out at Lhant. After the whirlwind of chaos that was Asbel's party, the town feels so quiet; almost as though they're the only ones awake. ] Not particularly. As much as I love Barona, there wasn't really any way to get some peace of mind in the city.

[ There was nothing like being recognized consistently in public to make one self conscious, as well as a possible target. And for safety's sake, he was never truly alone out in the city, either. ] I did sometimes find places in the castle to stow away and read books... but I'm not certain that counts as going somewhere.

[ Richard turns to Asbel, a neutral but serene expression on his features as a hand rests on the wooden banister. ] I can see why you would want to come here. It's a lovely view.

[It really is quiet up here. The fresh air seems to be helping too, and he can feel his nerves slowly beginning to unwind.]

I think it does? I mean, I'm no bookworm or anything but Hubert could sit around for hours with his nose in one. And he'd always make the biggest fuss if I interrupted him.

[He may have tried it a few times, just to see what he'd do. He was that sort of kid, after all.]

[Asbel finds himself a spot on one of the crates nearby, somewhere he can enjoy the breeze and still look down and see everything. The cryas lanterns lighting the town, the flicker of the town guard's campfires, the fireflies winking in and out like ornaments scattered through the forest.]

Yeah, it really is. You can see the whole town like this. And when the wind picks up, or the fog rolls in, it kind of feels like flying.

[It's nice being up here. It's nice having company. So often these days it seems like everyone's rushing about - for his own sake, he knows, and he's grateful, really! But... Even so. It's just...so nice to have someone around who's willing to simply hang out and talk. To just be. Without any pressure or expectations or anything like that.]

[Richard looks so calm standing there he can feel his heart lift a little. But at the same time, he can feel some of his own neutrality crumbling around him, and the horrible truth that's been nagging at the back of his mind even as he struggles to protect everyone else. The truth is...he's not excited. Not at all. Not like he knows he's supposed to be.]

[But he smiles gently, like he always does. He doesn't want Richard to worry, after all.]

Guess we have a history of showing each other things like this, huh?

It's true that a good book draws you in- as though you're in another world entirely.

[ Much like the liminal space that tonight is to the both of them. After all, it's always exceedingly rare that they even have the time to put their duties to their lands aside - so to do both that, and be alone together... it's these tiny moments that Richard is sure to cherish for the rest of his life.

It's selfish to want more of them. After all, Asbel has already given him so much. But as time marches on, and the wedding draws nearer, thoughts he'd seemingly made peace with years ago haunt him between meetings, in the long moments before he falls asleep.

At least here, with Asbel, they leave him be. He draws only close enough to step away from the ladder and open space, standing by his side. His smile is reassuring, but he wonders just what Asbel thinks of it all. Come to think of it, everything he'd said was about anyone or anything else. ]

That, we do. [ Richard's own smile might betray a touch of concern, but he isn't here to put Asbel on the spot, either. If what he needs right now is simply the company of a dear friend, well... that's what Richard will give to him. ] These sorts of places are... important. Perhaps not private in the conventional sense of the word, but... they offer peace of mind nonetheless.

[ He looks back out to Lhant, admiring the fireflies. It'd be ludicrous to say he could completely forget, but in places like these, the heavy weight of an entire kingdom eases off his shoulders somewhat. ]

What kind of books were they?

[Pure curiosity has him asking. Asbel knows he can't do anything about the past, but as a friend, he'd like to get to know Richard better, and that includes the boy he used to be. Asbel's watching him now, a little fondly, his head shrugging to one side in open invitation.]

[It must seem like a contradiction for someone like Asbel who thrives in close group settings, amongst all the activity and banter, but it isn't hard to notice how much more at ease he is out here. At ease enough to stop and consider Richard's words, and answer them in the most honest way he can.]

"Peace of mind"...

I think you're right about that. These past few weeks, I've been pretty anxious. But I feel a lot better already. Kind of like your books, I guess? It's almost like visiting a different world, at least for a little while.

Well... there were a lot of different kinds. But my favorite books tended towards adventure. Tales of those who were able to go on far-reaching journeys across the world, largely to find themselves and their true calling.

[ Freedom from expectation and pressures indeed. He remembers wishing he could embark on such adventures and meet steadfast friends like those hiding within the pages. And while he miraculously had those friends now, he supposes completely and utterly happy endings might truly be fantasy. It's not like he's miserable- but some facets of a normal life are truly well beyond his reach.

Upon invitation, Richard approaches- only needing to take a few steps before he'll carefully sit beside him, on a crate pressed up against his. ]

There has been quite a lot going on, [ he responds, a gloved hand resting between them, the other folded neatly in his lap. At the very least, he wants Asbel to know that Richard considers his worries to be no burden at all. ] If there's anything on your mind, Asbel, I'm always willing to listen.

They sound nice, Richard. [He cracks an amused smile. (Adventure stories, huh? Yeah, that suits Richard for sure.) He can still remember how Richard lit up when they came to see him in Barona, eager to show them the sights and have their own little mini adventure together.] And incredibly relatable.

[It took a far-reaching journey for Asbel to find his own purpose, after all. Though these days, he wonders if it's all just a little more complicated than that. It'd be great if that was all he needed to figure out what he should do, how he should move forward.]

[Even if Richard considers it no burden at all, Asbel still worries about putting his own weight on Richard's shoulders when he already has to carry so much. But at the same time, it's not something he can keep lugging around all by himself. These past few days, he's considered going to Captain Malik, where he knows he could get worldly man-to-man advice. However, he's not sure this is something the Captain can help him with.]

[Richard, though... He doesn't know if Richard will have any idea what he should do, but he seems to understand feelings, and he's right here, and whenever they talk he always feels a little better, a little stronger, a little less lost. So...]

[He bows his head, his gaze skating across the uneven boards that make up the windmill's viewing platform, and then he seems to steel himself.]

Well... To be honest there's been a lot on my mind. You asked me earlier how excited I was. But the truth is, I can't say for certain that I'm very excited about the wedding at all.

[He closes his eyes, knowing what he just said probably sounds like the most awful thing in the world.]

[ Although he may not understand why his dear friend feels that way, Richard already imagines what Asbel is about to bring up. After all, he'd completely dodged his same question earlier.

That doesn't take away from the gravity of the situation, though. From what he can glean of Asbel's expression in the relative darkness, he can tell that this has been truly plaguing him. ] I see...

To be honest, I suspected as much earlier. [ His tone isn't shocked, or even slighted in any way. Instead, his cadence is softer, sympathetic. While Richard fully expects to go through with a marriage of convenience for an heir, he always imagined that Asbel's own wedding with a close friend and loved one would alleviate that duty somewhat. So to hear that this might be doing just the opposite... ] Do you know why that might be?

[ Perhaps another miscommunication between the two? Maybe Richard is just so set upon ensuring Asbel's happiness that he'd missed something, somewhere. Whatever it is, he intends to support Asbel with it to the best of his ability. ]

[Figures Richard already knew what was up. He's always been awful at hiding things. But rather than making him feel even more guilty, that knowledge actually makes Asbel feel better, if only a little bit.]

[He exhales slowly, and raises his head again.]

Well... Things were fine when Cheria got back from her relief work. Seeing her and Sophie together, and spending more time together, it really started to feel like we were family. It gave us a chance to reconnect after all this time. And I was happy with that.

But. It hasn't all been perfect. Sometimes she won't talk to me. Or she'll get angry and I can't figure out why. I know I'm pretty bad at this kind of thing, but it's even harder when I don't know what went wrong.

And now with the wedding right around the corner, it's not just us, but the whole town that's gotten involved.

[None of that really answers the question, though, and he stares down at his open hand as he tries to put this feeling into words.]

I don't blame Cheria. But there are times when I wonder if maybe she sees a version of me that I'm not. Like maybe we're being rushed into all this before we have a chance to really understand one other.

[ Richard listens- watching Asbel as he takes everything in. It sounds... like not much has changed, actually. Or, to be more precise, that not much has changed between the future groom and bride, while everything else is changing too quickly around them. Although... ]

'A version of you that you're not'... [ He echoes, contemplative. ] It may certainly be difficult to fully understand someone else's perception of you at times, especially when it feels far from your own.

[ Richard speaks from experience- even if the two situations are markedly different. Still, knowing where this perceived gap lies might be the key in understanding Asbel's anxieties. ]

What do you think she might be seeing?

[Richard's not exactly wrong. He may understand Cheria a lot better than he did, what she went through back then, the things she likes and the things that make her worry. But not too much has changed otherwise. The thing that really bewilders him is when he thinks everything's totally fine with them, and then suddenly it isn't.]

It's kind of hard to put into words. But like... the other evening. She asked me what I wanted to do, and I told her we could take a walk around Lhant together. So we did that. But then once we got back, she said I was being "un-believable" and stormed off like I'd forgotten to do something important. I thought about it all night. It isn't her birthday yet, and we hadn't made any other plans.

[ On a surface level, his story does sound incomprehensible. But this is Asbel, and it's not entirely outside the realm of possibility that this 'walk around Lhant' had been... literally just that.

Of course, from what he knows of Cheria, she's not very forthcoming with her feelings. So this 'something important' that she expected of him...

Is there a delicate way to phrase this? ]

... From my recollection of our travels together, Cheria seems to be quite invested in romantic endeavors. [ While everyone enjoyed teasing Hubert about Pascal, it had been difficult not to notice the gleam in her eye when she focused on their potential love. ] Being able to connect as family is quite important, but it does differ greatly from the passion that generally accompanies a romantic relationship.

[ It's not awkward per se to talk about this, but. Richard turns his head, keeping Asbel in his periphery as he watches the night sky. ] Of course, I cannot speak on her behalf.

[Wow, Richard! How did you know?? It's almost like you were there. Yeah, it was exactly like that.]

Oh. Yeah...I guess I knew that.

[What Richard's trying to say makes sense. And yet, isn't that just it? Cheria may be into that kind of thing, and she seems to like helping others with their love lives, but when it's just them? ...No, he can't think of a single time it hasn't ended awkwardly.]

[He does care for Cheria. For that matter, he's had a crush on her ever since they were reunited (even if that had blown up in his face, too). But passion? He's not sure that's a word he'd use. If she were in trouble, he'd be so passionate about it he'd probably need a bucket of cold water thrown in his face, but with "romantic endeavors"... Well, it's kind of hard to feel anything like that when it's all so complicated.]

I remember walking in on Raymond once when he was trying to woo Cheria, but, that's not me.

[ ~~He knows you all too well, Asbel.~~

The mention of the more... lovelorn Oswell, to put it mildly, has Richard raising his brows. ]

I would certainly hope not. [ His tone is a bit lighter with amusement, shaking his head. Imagining Asbel acting remotely like the man in the stories he's heard is more than a little disconcerting. ] Everyone expresses their feelings their own way, after all. It would be disingenuous to try otherwise.

[ Of course, the problem is that miscommunication. Still: ] I don't think those expressions have to be dramatic; they'd simply have to convey your feelings to her.

[But isn't that what people do? Make declarations of love? Er... well, Cheria hadn't seemed too happy to hear it at the time, and Raymond had gotten pretty embarrassingly over-the-top, claiming Cheria had enslaved him and all that. (Asbel thinks he caught the words "princess" and "goddess" in there somewhere, too, but he isn't sure.)]

[Still, he's even more confused now. Conveying his feelings is what he thought he'd been doing all along.]

Yeah, but. What if the other person doesn't really get what you're trying to convey? I guess I don't really have the slightest idea what counts as romantic or not.

[Are those lessons still on the table, Richard? Because. He's still totally lost on what to do.]

[ Oh, dear. Asbel's confusion goes even deeper than he could imagine- he'd thought he would have some idea on what constituted romantic acts, and yet... ]

Well, some expressions do have overlap. Things such as holding hands, or embracing one another, can be as equally platonic as romantic, depending on the circumstance and desire driving those actions. Therefore, it's not always quite about the action being an outright declaration.

[ Explaining that desire, however... might prove difficult. He can understand his own feelings on that matter, but that's a very subjective experience. ~~And to be honest, he's no gold standard for actually conveying his feelings in a way they can be understood, even if that's mostly intentional.~~ ]

For example, the difference between holding hands with Sophie and Cheria.

[Look, he understands the basics, okay? But he thinks Cheria must have been fishing for something a little more, he doesn't know... something else? Not what Raymond did, and he's sure if he'd gone in for a kiss or something she would have slapped him or maybe worse -- stopped talking to him again just like last time, back when he'd tripped on stage in front of everyone.]

[~~If the others knew that was "last time" they'd surely let out a collective groan.~~]

So in other words it's a combination of both? Action and..."desire"?

[It feels so weird when he says it, but that makes more sense than it doesn't. So, huh. Sophie and Cheria. With Sophie, holding her hand usually came with a swell of pride over how far she's come, how much she's grown, and how glad he is to call her his daughter, even if being called "father" still feels a bit strange. With Cheria, though, his heart usually stutters and his face gets hot, sometimes to the point where he can barely think straight. Not in a bad way, but...different. Though, if they're speaking of hand-holding...]

But, yeah. I think I get what you mean. When I'm holding Sophie's hand, or Cheria's, it doesn't feel exactly the same. Though, it's also not very often that Cheria asks me to hold her hand in the first place.

Edited 2022-01-11 21:02 (UTC)

[ A combination of both. That's a pretty good way to put it; Richard nods in agreement. After all, those acts aren't romantic acts without that desire behind them- and feelings not being acted on would never reach the other person.

He wonders if feelings not being acted on can ever truly dissipate. He'd thought they'd alleviate with time, perhaps foolishly, but... with Asbel's wedding looming on the horizon, the both of them talking about passion and romance, he can feel a familiar heartache.

Spending time with Asbel like this, trying to untangle and mend his relationship with Cheria- they're all things that he genuinely wants. After all, he wants to ensure Asbel's happiness. ]

It might be prudent to ask her if she would like to hold hands as well, Asbel. It may make her happy to know that you want these things- she may feel as though she's imposing on you if she's the only one asking.

[ It would certainly be a good start, he imagines. ]

Edited (/waves) 2022-01-11 21:07 (UTC)

[It's too bad Asbel can't begin to guess at Richard's internal struggle. Maybe then he could at least offer him some comfort, even if he doesn't know the answer to that question either.]

[This silence is more thoughtful than confused, and finally he nods.]

It's worth a shot, at least. I guess it is pretty impossible to know what someone else is thinking or feeling if we never ask, huh? Maybe I'm just...imagining things because I'm too nervous to try.

[A quiet, halfway embarrassed laugh. He'd never share that little tidbit with anyone else, but with Richard he doesn't mind being completely honest. He leans back a little, the hand supporting his weight mere centimeters from Richard's as he tilts his head to look up at the stars.]

[He's completely and warmly sincere when he adds:]

Thanks, Richard. I already feel a little better about this. You always seem to point me in the right direction when I'm lost.

Edited 2022-01-12 01:49 (UTC)

It could be. I understand the sentiment, though- reaching out would put anyone in a vulnerable place.

[ The irony of Asbel's words aren't lost on him. And still, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy: there are a million rationalizations that Richard could use to still paint the same, inescapable conclusion. He'd agonized through them all in efforts to reason with his heart, to console it with platitudes and compromise. He was a king; Asbel was a lord. They were both expected to carry on their lineage. Cheria loved Asbel, and Asbel seemed to love her too.

Every single justification added layers and layers, hiding the simple truth beneath every fervent stroke of the brush, the simple fear of losing what he already had... his first, and dearest friend. In that way, empathizing with Asbel's nerves is only natural. ]

Of course. I'll always be here for you, Asbel. [ He meets Asbel's warmth with his own, unable to help the fondness that wrinkles his eyes and curves his lips up as he regards him again.

When he shifts ever so slightly to make himself more comfortable, his gloved fingers gently collide with the side of Asbel's hand. The mere touch, after being so lost in his own head, is enough to send a jolt of electric warmth up his arm. Still, Richard keeps his composure as best as he can, slowly exhaling as his head tilts up, too- following his friend's gaze to the stars above.

He doesn't move his hand. ]

[Asbel can feel that warmth, even if he can't exactly make out Richard's features in the dark. And for a moment it flutters there in his chest like a cozy summer breeze.]

Thank you.

[Asbel doesn't pull his away either. He doesn't mind sharing the same space at all. In fact, here by Richard's side, he feels calmer than he has all night, and for a few seconds he lets himself pretend that they're at the beginning or the end of another exciting journey together. Just like in Richard's books.]

[His own words to Lambda echo in his mind, about reaching out, and he has to wonder why he ever stopped. Surely feelings, even complicated ones, aren't something to just cork up and set on a shelf to collect dust, right?]

You know, I never told you this, but I'm glad to have you back, Richard. I'm glad we can sit and talk together like this. So even if things get crazy in the future, don't forget that you can call on me anytime. I may not have all the answers, but I'll always come help you.

[ As Richard's nerves settle, the touch ebbs away into something comforting- anchoring, even. Still, though, Asbel's words make him grateful for the dark; he can feel his face warming at his friend's candid kindness. ]

I know. [ And isn't that just it? He's never been able to trust in someone quite as much as this. His words are so touching because there's never been an ulterior motive, a reason to doubt. It's inspiring, really. And sometimes, he can't help but respond in kind. ] You've always been there- it's all thanks to you that we're able to enjoy this scenery now.

[ After all, Asbel saved him- as well as the world. ]

These moments may be few and far in between, but... I cherish every one.

[ Perhaps more than Asbel will ever know. ]

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/gently leaves a tag at your doorstep.

!!!!

\o/

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